What job descriptions REALLY mean

Dedicated - You're looking at a minimum of 80 hours a week until we force you into early retirement

Word processing skills essential - There is a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future

Secretary - Woman only job with the responsibilities of management and the wages of a migrant worker

Executive secretary - The most powerful position in any company

Will trai Prior conviction of a felony or two, no problem

Women/minorities encouraged - White males need not waste a stamp

Tons of variety - We took all of the heinous tasks no one else would do and rolled them into one job

Beautiful offices in attractive locale - Brand new tacky windowless office where picture frames match the carpet

Pleasant atmosphere - A staff of pod people

Professional atmosphere - Zombie pod people

Fun, creative atmosphere - Zombie pod people from hades

Public Relations Receptionist, Professional Appearance Important - $20K a year job that requires a $100K year wardrobe

Salary range $24K to $32K - The salary is $24K

Salary commensurate - We'll pay you whatever we feel like

Competitive salary -We'll pay you up to 1% more than your last job... period!

Competitive starting salary - Ten cents above minimum wage

Advancement opportunity - Bad job

Entry Level - Really a bad job

No experience necessary - The mother of all bad jobs

Administrative assistant - Bad job with a title

Ground floor opportunity - Bad job with a company that will file bankruptcy within a year

Team player - Must deal with dangerously territorial coworkers with rabid personalities

Pleasant telephone manner - Have a voice like 1-900-XXX-XXXX